he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
