You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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