I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
