I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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