DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
