You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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