Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
