I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
