I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
