Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
