I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
