I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
