You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
