After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
