Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
