bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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