I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
