A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize