I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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