I wish I could teleport
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
