when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
