i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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