Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
