I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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