I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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