matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
