I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
