I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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