Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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