If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
