took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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