we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
