Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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