KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
