you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
