fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize