Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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