This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
