were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
