You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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