I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
