I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
