Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
