I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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