the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
