He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
