we have pet lesbian snakes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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