I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
