Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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