I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
