New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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