i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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