I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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