If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
a search helicopter?!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize