I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
