Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize